It is what you decide to make of memories that matters
by dwinouse
Summary: As the winter break approaches, Laura starts acting more distant, and Carmilla doesn't understand why. Laura x Carmilla. Might be trigger warning: depression, just putting that out there in case.


**Hey guys, this is my first fanfiction ever, hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think of it :)**

**Also, I did review it many times, but as I wrote it between 2 and 3 am sorry if there are some grammar mistakes left.**

Carmilla had just woken up, and noticing that Laura hadn't come back from her afternoon classes yet, she decided to read Marx's Das Kapital –in its original language, of course. She knew it was a classic but she never had the time to read it, which, when she thought about it, was quite ironic for a 334 (almost 335) years-old immortal vampire.

She had been reading for a good 15 minutes when she heard the door opening. She didn't have to look up to know that it was Laura; she knew the sound of her footstep by heart now, and she had heard her walking in the hallway far before she had even entered the room.

"Hey cupcake" she greeted, while keeping on reading.

"Oh…yeah, hey" –Laura answered. After a quick kiss on Carmilla's forehead (god how could that little human could make her feel so much with just a little kiss?) she went to her bed, stripped down to her shirt and her panties and slipped under the cover. That was unusual, Carmilla thought. Usually if she was tired she would come on Carmilla's bed and nap cuddled up against her girlfriend who would usually be reading. In fact, she hadn't used her own bed ever since they had first kissed, the vampire realized. Sleeping together in the same bed had immediately felt natural, just like home, and it was keeping Carmilla from having nightmares far better than just the yellow pillow, Laura had noticed.

Carmilla stopped reading for a second, and lowered her book to look at Laura: "Are you okay?"

"Mhh. I'm just…tired"

Carmilla decided not to push it. She had her moments as well and she was grateful when Laura would not ask her anything, knowing that she would talk when she'd be ready for it.

Laura had been acting odd for the past week. "I hope it's not another one of those brain eating worms", Carmilla joked to herself (she considered that possibility seriously for a second, but it frightened her so much that she quickly took that thought aside)

As the winter break was coming closer, she could feel Laura becoming more…distant. Sad? Carmilla was convinced that the break and this sudden change in her girlfriend's mood were linked, as Laura had first started acting like this every time the winter break was mentioned, and she would quickly try to change the topic.

After a good while of attempting to read but rather worryingly looking at Laura, who she could see was not sleeping, Carmilla stood up and went to sit on Laura's bed, stroking her hair. Laura wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she was awake, silently looking at the wall, and she hadn't moved for the past hour.

"Laura…" Carmilla whispered

Laura didn't seem to react to Carmilla's call, but the vampire knew that her girlfriend had heard her. She decided to wait.

After what seemed an eternity, Laura hesitantly opened her mouth to speak.

"It…I haven't…" Laura closed her eyes for a good 5 seconds, then reopened them.

"It's the first Christmas I'm going to celebrate without my mom, Carm." It was almost a whisper. So quiet Carmilla probably would not have heard it if it wasn't for her…"vampire condition" as Perry liked to call it.

Carmilla's non-beating heart froze for a second; taking in all of the pain her girlfriend was sharing with her.

"It will become easier every Christmas, I promise." she whispered to Laura's ear.

"Although…she never was really with us. The last Christmases, I mean. Her body was there, but her mind was already long gone"

Laura turned on her other side to look at Carmilla:

"I tried to understand so hard. What was that sadness that was inside her, consuming every part of her mind and body, where did it come from, why? But I never did…and oh Carm I think I could have saved her if I had simply understood but I never really grasped it, she never let me in, I really tried I swear!" Laura didn't know exactly when the tears had starting streaming down her face, but here there were, making the yellow pillow wet.

"Shhh…Laura. It wasn't your fault. Depression…depression is not something one can understand, I don't think your mother herself understood. The only thing you can do is be supportive, and it is what you did. It wasn't your fault."

Carmilla had never such pain across Laura's face, her entire body tense, aching under an invisible burn. The vampire knew she had to stay strong for the tiny human but it hurt so much to see her like this, it was unbearable. She tried hiding it the best she could.

"You know…that's why I picked Journalism. To understand things, people. I want to understand. I _need_ to understand, to know."

Now that she had started speaking, Laura felt she needed to let everything out.

"I don't want to go back there, Carm. I haven't been there ever since she…"the words died out in her throat.

"I just need to go away, I couldn't be in this house any longer. So I picked the furthest away university I could find, and I left a few weeks after the end of High school. I flew away. I think my dad had been mourning her long before she even really disappeared, but I didn't see it coming. I knew things were bad, really bad, but I didn't think she'd ever be capable of…"

"So he gave me my own space, told me to come back whenever I would feel ready. But I don't know if I am."

"Laura, it's only two weeks. I'm sorry but…I don't think…" Carmilla bit her lip. What it really her place to give her opinion, to get involved in this? She knew how much it mattered to the younger girl. Could she, really? Could she impose that on Laura? She hesitantly spoke. "Listen…you…you can't let your dad celebrate Christmas on its own."

Laura took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself down. "You're right. I can't do that." She stayed silent for a moment. Then:

"Carm…will you come with me? Please? I don't think I can do that on my own and I don't want to let you celebrate Christmas on your own either and-"

"Hey hey hey Laura of course, whatever you want" – she grabbed Laura's hand and softly kissed it. "Of course" she repeated.

**x-x-x**

Laura's dad opened the car's trunk and took out the girls' bags from it. Carmilla was about to grab them when he stopped her.

"Oh no no don't worry I'll do it, we wouldn't want our guest to have to carry the bags now would we?" he said, giving her a warm smile.

Laura opened the door of the car and stood up in the snow that covered the patio, looking at her dad entering the house. Her house. The one where she had lived all of those happy memories, with her father, and…her mother. Her family.

She felt a hand grabbing hers tightly, as to say "I'm here, and I'm strong, and I'm not going anywhere". She turned to Carmilla, who gave her in response a quiet smile. "_Everything is going to be okay. You are going to be okay._"

That's when Laura decided to believe her, and finally realized that maybe instead of fearing that all the memories this house carried would come to haunt her she could learn to cherish them, to keep them as if they were precious presents her mother had left her, and who knows, maybe even create new ones. Happy ones.


End file.
